Since June 1990 I've tried to change my outgoing message on my answering machine as often as once a week. There are times I procrastinate and it's more like a Thought for the Month. And sometimes I know nobody has called that week, so I go ahead and leave a good one on there until a few people have heard it. Anyway, I've been keeping track of them this entire time and it finally occurred to me to go ahead and put them on my site.
Here are the old phone numbers I used to have. There are a bunch I don't remember. At one point I was moving an average of every six months.
??/JUN/90 An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
??/AUG/90 If debugging is the art of taking bugs out of a program, then programming must be the art of putting them in there.
??/NOV/90 There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
??/JAN/91 Western philosophy is just a series of footnotes to Plato.
??/FEB/91 If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
03/MAR/91 I'm thinking of donating my body to science fiction. Let me know what you think.
11/MAR/91 "If you can't say something nice about somebody then don't say anything at all." Did you know that that tiny piece of wisdom came from Thumper, the little baby rabbit in the movie _Bambi?_
17/MAR/91 Is there another word for "thesaurus?"
26/MAR/91 Do realize that in our society, a pizza can get to your door faster than the police?
03/APR/91 I think evangelists have given up searching for the big truth and have settled on a high-paying fantasy
22/APR/91 Apparently a woman uses approx 7000 word in an average day. A man only 2000.
30/APR/91 What do you say to your athiest friends during Xmas? A Jew, you say "Happy Hanakah." A Christian, "Merry Xmas." An Athiest... maybe, "Brr, it's cold?"
31/MAY/91 When asked what cramps are like, one woman said that it was like when I get kicked in the balls. You know she was mistaken, because she was still standing.
01/JUN/91 Capitolism is where man exploits man. In Communism it's the other way around.
23/JUN/91 It's been said that the meek shall inherit the Earth. That's because the bold shall inherit the stars.
09/JUL/91 A butterfly's not an insect. It's a self-propelled flower.
17/JUL/91 Who invented cottage cheese? And how did they know when they were done inventing it?
29/JUL/91 Some people live life like a roller coaster, with its ups and downs. Others live it like a merry-go-round, going round and round in circles. Which are you?
07/AUG/91 The more one learns, the less one believes.
23/AUG/91 Health is simply dying at the slowest possible rate.
03/SEP/91 Anyone can be weird, but bizarre... bizarre is an artform.
12/SEP/91 A fraternity is a reactionary, xenophobic enclave of superficial, snobbish little brats. But then again, where could these guys go to barf with their own kind?
26/SEP/91 Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, it's never busy?
07/OCT/91 In the words of Buckaroo Banzai: Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
16/OCT/91 Have you ever seen a happy cow? One that's cheerful and playful? Out frolicing in a field of daisies? I don't know. I think "frisky cow" is an oxymoron.
05/NOV/91 Is a juggler a coordinated and dexterous individual? Or is he a schizophrenic who's gotten good at playing catch with himself?
20/NOV/91 Friction is a drag!
26/NOV/91 Falling in love is easy. It's climbing out that's a bitch!
04/DEC/91 Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
16/DEC/91 To be loved, be lovable.
23/DEC/91 No person quite believes in any other.
31/DEC/91 The biggest problem with atheism is that it doesn't come with any holidays.
06/JAN/92 Sleep is a completely inadequate substitute for caffiene.
13/JAN/92 I would tell you about my vow of silence, but there's just not much to say.
16/JAN/92 Ask me about my vow of silence.
06/FEB/92 A friend is a present you give yourself.
12/FEB/92 If aerosol cans are destroying the ozone, let's put ozone in the aerosol cans.
19/FEB/92 The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
03/MAR/92 What are your views on the strong and weak nuclear forces?
10/MAR/92 God didn't create the world in seven days. He partied for six then pulled an all-nighter.
17/MAR/92 If God had meant Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.
01/APR/92 Apparently I had someone who considers himself a member of the Thought Police checking out last week's thought. I'm going to use flippant language, but my advice to this guy is sincere: Chill out dude, it was just a joke.
07/APR/92 A nerd typically knows 26 different way to make love, but doesn't know any girls.
14/APR/92 True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about, but few have ever seen.
21/APR/92 There are more people alive in the world today (approximately 5 billion) than have died throughout all of history.
30/APR/92 I don't have a girlfriend right now because I'm saving up all my money so I can afford a really _good_ one.
07/MAY/92 There's a fine line between being a nice guy and a complete idiot.
19/MAY/92 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indestinguishable from magic. Any sufficiently advanced magic is indestinguishable from technology. Any sufficiently advanced magic is indestinguishable from a rigged demonstration.
27/MAY/92 Success lies in achieving the top of the food chain.
03/JUN/92 Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggy" while you're looking for a rock.
15/JUN/92 Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait around for the answer.
25/JUN/92 Of all the intelligent beings in the universe, why is it only humans have thought of having a Miss Universe contest?
03/JUL/92 What do you think, will I ever get around to joining a procrastinators society?
08/JUL/92 We remember the immortal words of Socrates when he said, "I drank what?"
15/JUL/92 Tact is being able to describe people as they see themselves.
24/JUL/92 Outer space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight up.
31/JUL/92 I feel multiple personalities inhabiting my body. Fortunately, most of them are pretty good natured.
10/AUG/92 The problem with the gene pool is that there isn't any lifeguard.
17/AUG/92 You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
26/AUG/92 Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
03/SEP/92 Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
11/SEP/92 186,262 miles per second. Not just a good idea. It's the law.
18/SEP/92 Telepathy means never having to say you're sorry.
25/SEP/92 I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
05/OCT/92 If you hide what you really are too long or too hard, you lose it, and become a Low-Impact Low-Fiber Low-Content Nobody.
13/OCT/92 Whales save us!
16/OCT/92 Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
26/OCT/92 Quarrels wouldn't last as long if the fault were all on one side.
30/OCT/92 Why does toast always land buttered-side down?
16/NOV/92 The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
23/NOV/92 An optimist says the glass is half full. A pessimist says the glass is half empty. Bruce says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
30/NOV/92 The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
08/DEC/92 The lawyers' motto is: Let's you and them fight.
14/DEC/92 The problem with experience is that you're given the test before you're taught the lesson.
23/DEC/92 Golf isn't a sport. It's barely a game.
28/DEC/92 Does Santa Claus have to go thru customs?
04/JAN/92 We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Plato.
18/JAN/93 By the time you make ends meet they move the ends.
25/JAN/93 It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
01/FEB/93 If you make a cow laugh really hard does milk come out of its nose?
08/FEB/93 Politics is all about legalizing your own particular crimes.
15/FEB/93 Life's hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it's in that order.
02/MAR/93 Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
08/MAR/93 What's the difference between a live audience and a studio audience?
16/MAR/93 I found reality too constraining, so I gave it up and now my days are fun-filled and care-free.
22/MAR/93 I'm just good looking enough that if I had a personality it would push me over the top.
30/MAR/93 God is a comedian playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
05/APR/93 People occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
12/APR/93 This life is a test. This life is only a test. Had this been a real life you would have been instructed on where to go and what to do.
19/APR/93 Be a reverse paranoid. Assume everyone is conspiring to make you happy.
03/MAY/93 Often, to do two things at once is to do neither.
10/MAY/93 If you can't explain something to a six-year-old then you don't really understand it yourself.
19/MAY/93 Walking is really organized falling.
28/MAY/93 A light-year is the same as a regular year, but fewer calories.
08/JUN/93 You have a greater impact on others by the way you listen than by the way you talk.
16/JUN/93 I keep all my important papers in the oven. I figure if my place burns down they'll be safest in there.
30/JUN/93 How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges grew on land?
09/JUL/93 Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one.
16/JUL/93 Shakespeare worked without knowing that he would become Shakespeare.
23/JUL/93 World's Greatest Psychic! Number 1 authority on past lives, compatibility, the future, tarot, relationships, career, etc. Accept no imitations. Just think it over. I'll call you.
26/JUL/93 Maybe beached whales are really entertainers trying to get to Sea World.
08/AUG/93 Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there.
18/AUG/93 The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of the action you're performing.
26/AUG/93 Wasting time is an important part of living.
08/SEP/93 When you say something, make sure you've said it. There's always a good chance you didn't.
30/SEP/93 If you keep track of favors you've done for others, then they're really just loans.
07/OCT/93 I hope life isn't just one big joke, because I don't get it.
25/OCT/93 A warm smile in the morning can sometimes make your whole day. But it usually takes sex or money.
24/NOV/93 A friend is someone who knows you and likes you anyway.
29/DEC/93 Political Correctness has become a menace to society.
05/JAN/94 Why do they call Wednesday "hump day" when most people get laid on the weekends?
25/JAN/94 As you grow older, you grow more wise and more foolish.
02/FEB/94 How do you tell if you're out of invisible ink?
10/FEB/94 If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
16/FEB/94 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
23/FEB/94 A crisis is when you can't say "let's just forget the whole thing."
03/MAR/94 Turn signals are the facial expressions of cars.
06/APR/94 Kissing is really just polite spitting.
20/APR/94 Don't get excited by the back of someone's head.
03/MAY/94 The quickest way to find something is to look for something else.
12/MAY/94 A duck in the oven is worth two in the pond.
19/MAY/94 Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.
26/MAY/94 The US government has ceased to represent the people and is attempting to rule the people.
10/JUN/94 Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
21/JUN/94 You have reached 307-7383. Please leave a message.
15/JUL/94 Speak only well of people and you need never whisper.
26/JUL/94 Think about it. Would you trust a politician to run the country?
05/AUG/94 Today's subliminal message is...
18/AUG/94 If the world is passing you by you're lucky. It usually smacks me right in the face.
26/AUG/94 Money isn't everything. (Yeah, right)
05/SEP/94 You need a license to hunt a deer, drive a car, catch a fish. But anybody can become a parent.
14/SEP/94 You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
27/SEP/94 If someone says, "Let me be honest..." you know you're about to be lied to.
13/OCT/94 Is it legal to drive in the nude? How about on a motorcycle?
28/OCT/94 Every decision you make is a mistake.
03/NOV/94 _All_ television is children's television.
19/NOV/94 Your not as old as you're going to get!
26/DEC/94 Women are big jigsaw puzzles and some of the pieces Just Don't Fit.
03/JAN/95 Reality is that part of imagination we all agree on.
20/JAN/95 *NOW* is a point in time that is already gone.
03/FEB/95 The race is not always to the swift, nor the fight to the strong. But that's the way to bet.
06/MAR/95 Bass Masters. It's a fishing show.
15/MAR/95 Know your limits and exceed them often.
24/MAR/95 You don't want people to lie to you, so don't ask them to lie for you. For example: When the phone rings don't say, "If it's for me, I'm not here."
29/MAR/95 This is 446-8571. Please leave a message.
24/APR/95 If you're going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on your headlights?
01/MAY/95 Here's how you keep a moron in suspense...
17/MAY/95 It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
01/JUN/95 The naming of cats is a difficult thing.
01/AUG/95 34 facial muscles are used in the act of kissing.
28/AUG/95 People are just water's way of getting from one place to another.
01/SEP/95 The Bill of Rights -- void where prohibited.
18/OCT/95 We have the Bill of Rights, which is a good thing. But we need a Bill of Responsibilities to go along with it.
17/NOV/95 In the northern hemisphere, the water swirls down the drain clockwise. In the southern hemisphere, it swirls down the drain counterclockwise. What does it do on the equator? Just sit there?
15/DEC/95 42, the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
05/JAN/96 I think, therefore I'm confused.
19/JAN/96 Cthulhu for President: when you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.
04/MAR/96 One's happiness is intertwined with one's outlook on life.
09/APR/96 Science has proof without certainty. Religion has certainty without proof.
24/MAY/96 Doctors bury their mistakes.
29/JUN/96 Life is a series of accidents, punctuated by the occasional catastrophe.
23/JUL/96 You can't have everything, because if you did, where would you put it?
01/OCT/96 Question the knowledge.
15/OCT/96 If only we could lose touch with reality, there's no telling what we could achieve.
12/NOV/96 Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
27/NOV/96 Nobody notices when things go right.
22/DEC/96 You can't destroy anything. Only rearrange it.
05/FEB/97 Why does an inspiring sight like a sunrise always have to take place at such an inconvenient time?
28/FEB/97 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
30/MAR/97 If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
05/APR/97 Warning: Dates in the Calendar are closer than they appear.
16/MAY/97 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
18/JUN/97 All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
27/JUN/97 I think, therefore I am. Corollary: You're not me, therefore you're irrelevant.
05/JUL/97 A duck's quack doesn't echo, and nobody knows why.
17/JUL/97 Earth: Mostly harmless
18/AUG/97 Take your average stupid person and realize that half of them are stupider than that.
19/NOV/97 You know how people always compliment a haircut by saying, "It looks good." Does that ever make you wonder if they thought you looked like an idiot before the haircut?
13/JAN/98 Elevators steal gravity from the planet.
02/FEB/98 Every year, 10,000 people go up in an airplane to skydive and then chicken out. 1.5 million chicken out of marriage.
03/APR/98 90% of politicians give the other 10% a bad name.
15/APR/98 If you do a good deed then get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
28/APR/98 If God dropped acid, would he see people?
21/MAY/98 Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
16/JUN/98 If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
19/JUL/98 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
04/AUG/98 Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
15/AUG/98 Space people are reading our mail.
19/SEP/98 If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
25/FEB/99 Unattended children will be detained and sold into slavery
06/MAR/99 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
22/MAR/99 I've been trying to daydream, but my mind keeps wandering
29/MAR/98 Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. Though I'm trying to do my part to raise America's average.
09/APR/99 People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realise how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
13/MAY/99 I doubt, therefore I might be.
24/MAY/99 Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
01/JUN/99 Andy does live here and he's looking for a job. Leave a message.
07/JUL/99 If a tree fell in the forest, and everyone in the world was there to hear it, would it make a really, really loud noise?
24/JUL/99 There are over 3000 deaths in the rainforest due to accidents, attacks and disease. Over 700 things in the rainforest cause cancer. Please help stop the rainforest before it's too late.
29/JUL/99 Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced
16/AUG/99 Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!
07/SEP/99 Quantum mechanics is the dreams stuff is made of
14/SEP/99 Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
01/OCT/99 Help plants in their struggle against vegetarians
26/OCT/99 Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together?
21/NOV/99 Dogs have masters. Cats have servants.
30/DEC/99 Almost every explanation Man came up with for *anything* until about 1926 was stupid
19/MAR/2K Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
08/APR/2K Most people seem to think a "theory" is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
21/APR/2k Suppose you became a Jedi Knight. What color would you want your lightsaber to be? Do they only come in primary colors, or are orange ones available?
04/JUL/2k If it weren't for our forefathers fighting and dying for what they believed in, we might all be speaking English right now
01/OCT/2k Political Correctness annoys me. Remember when it used to be embarressing to be stupid?
09/DEC/2k Nobody is as ugly as their driver's license photo
05/FEB/01 95% of the people in the world belong to the wrong religion. Aren't you glad you're not one of those idiots?
21/MAR/01 If the Bible proves the existence of God, then comic books prove the existence of Superman.
20/APR/01 One must forego the physical self in order to reach Total Spiritual Creaminess.
Wasn't holding outgoing messages
31/MAR/02 I'm thinking I'd like to be God of Atheists, 'cause I'll bet there aren't that many duties, and I really value my free time.
08/APR/02 A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
03/MAY/02 You're not going crazy. You're going sane... in a crazy world!
20/MAY/02 When a candle goes out, we don't say it went on to an eternal afterwick.
19/JUN/02 Be patient. Evolution isn't finished with us yet.
16/SEP/02 The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn
16/OCT/02 Science isn't about having the answers. It's about finding the answers you don't yet have
01/FEB/03 Where do ice cream trucks go in the winter? Do they go south, like birds? I picture a bunch of trucks driving down the highway being chased by fat kids. And that music is playing really fast.
23/FEB/03 An escalator cannot break down. It can only temporarily become stairs
07/JUN/03 An infinite number of universes, and I wind up with a defective one.
15/JUN/03 Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe, and sometimes I think we're not. In either case the idea is quite staggering.
22/JUN/03 Without a sufficient background in science, nature looks like magic.
30/JUN/03 Forget the experience, remember the lesson.
08/JUL/03 My invisible friends think you're mentally unstable.
12/JUL/03 There's not much point in discussing a theory when you have no evidence
20/JUL/03 Science is not about believing. It's about eliminating all other possibilities. Religion is about believing despite all the other possibilities.
28/JUL/03 Without deviance from the norm, progression is not possible.
03/AUG/03 I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
10/AUG/03 Beware of low-flying butterflies.
17/AUG/03 Once in a while, invite the person in line behind you to go ahead of you.
25/AUG/03 Don't believe everything you think
02/SEP/03 When in doubt, do what's right.
08/SEP/03 The average person talks at about 200 words per minute.
15/SEP/03 Don't ask a question if you cannot live with the answer.
21/SEP/03 Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious supidity
29/SEP/03 Reality is just a collective hunch.
08/OCT/03 You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do
14/OCT/03 I'm suffering from deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
20/OCT/03 I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal
17/NOV/03 If the existence of God is proven by the Bible, then the existence of Superman is proven by comic books.
08/DEC/03 There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
24/DEC/03 Have a happy Pagan Winter Solstice Festival
13/JAN/04 We might be alone in the universe. Or, we may not be alone. Either way, the thought is staggering.
18/JAN/04 Last year the Dallas Stars spent $300,000 on hockey sticks alone.
10/FEB/04 Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
15/MAR/04 Am I crazy? Or am I so sane I blew your mind?
04/APR/04 Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
17/APR/04 People in glass houses shouldn't be surprised when you take pictures.
09/JUN/04 Let's hope for peace in the middle east. And the middle north and the middle west. But not the middle south. To hell with them.
27/JUN/04 Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one.
31/JUL/04 Not knowing is much more interesting than believing in an answer that might be wrong
28/AUG/04 In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move.
11/DEC/04 I reject your reality and substitute my own!
24/JAN/05 It's like a hamster crapped a rainbow in my brain!
24/MAR/05 There are many intelligent beings in the universe and most of them are owned by cats.
01/MAY/05 Think outside the rhombus, man!
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